Ready?

Motherhood.

It's a trending topic in the month of May.

Thoughts have been whirling around in my head about motherhood.

Owen was about 2 months old last Mother's Day.

My life had never been jolted so much than with becoming a mother.

I'm not sure I had ever wanted anything more than to be a mother.

I remember spouting it off to my classmates at the age of 17. 

And Jonny didn't need to guess if I was "ready" to be a mom just a year after getting married either.

But was I really ready?

Sure, I thought I was.


People ask all the time now, "Are you ready for another one?"
And I wonder what they think being "ready" would mean?

Are you ready to be needed 24 hours a day?
When you're tired? When you're sick?
Are you ready to put someone else's needs above your own, always?

I just don't think anyone can say they're really ready for that.

Our flesh won't let us be.

One day in May last year, I'd been at home all day (as everyday) with my newborn. 

Things had gone about as smoothly as possible with a tiny human who eats and poops continually. 

Not much sleeping happened in Owen's newborn months though. 

He's never been a fan of naps, and for the longest time, sleeping in general. 

It was a warm day, we'd stayed inside and made it to the 4:00 hour. 

Jonny wouldn't be home until 9:00. 

This was during that unexplainable period when babies like to cry hours in the early evening for seemingly no reason at all.
He had been fed, changed, swaddled, rocked, listened to music, 

taken to the window to watch the birdies and the tree branches sway. 

Nothing was going to make him content. 

I desperately tried to nurse him again and again just to see if he would be satisfied with more to eat. 

But he wasn't. 

And as I listened to his persistent wailing all I could do was cry myself.

I'd do anything to get him to settle down.

But I couldn't.

And I balled my eyes out.

I called Jonny and couldn't get any words out, he just listened to me sob.

I just needed someone to know I was on the brink of what I thought was the end of my world.

Really, truly, in my sleep deprived, not-thinking-straight, focused-on-my-own-strength mindset 

I wasn't going to be able to go on. 

With a few more hours of listening to the cry that makes your heart ache and head split at the same time, Owen settled.
I got him bathed, swaddled, fed and fast to sleep.
My head was numb from its spinning and my heart was broken from the angry and selfish thoughts I had had during the evening.

And there, laying on the couch, as all was silent and I started to fit the pieces together, the Lord showed me that I had been relying on my own stamina and few physical comforts to get through motherhood up until that point.

I had been broken in those hours.

Broken and weary and desperate and lonely and scared and so so very aware of my weakness.

Broken of self reliance.

Where do you turn in your weakness?
There is nowhere to turn apart from the perfection of Christ and the lavish love of the Father.
I have this hope.
That he who saved me, also brings me to and through each season of life, with every joy and trial, for my sanctification.
For my good and His glory.

I was told over and over growing up that I'd make a great mama one day.
And I wanted to be a great mama.
The one thing I wanted so badly from an early age, to be a mother, is where I consistently see my desperate need of Christ.
The sin of selfishness and pride, encompassing self-pity and entitlement, can so easily sneak up and strangle all the joy to be found in the good gift God has given me in motherhood.

I wasn't ready to be a mother in my own strength.
God has lavished his rich mercy on me in my many moments of failure.
And He has given me the strength for each new day.

Owen is a tremendous and underserved gift.
Being a mother is both a million times harder and more joyous than I could ever have imagined!
But the greatest gift of all is knowing, really knowing, that I have a sure Hope when I fall.

eleven months

 Very hard to believe the picture below was taken just about a year ago.

Just looking at it makes me uncomfortable.

Pregnancy is a miracle.

I was carrying Owen around the seminary last week and I had a thought... 

He weighs maybe about 25 pounds (I'm guessing)

and I was getting pretty tired of carrying him, for how heavy he is.

Then I remembered that I was carrying nearly double that weight by the end of pregnancy.

See for yourself.

Thankfully, the weight loss that comes with breastfeeding is nothing short of a miracle either!

I weigh less now than what I did before Owen.

Different shape, though. 

But, tis life!

I'm feeling so nostalgic as of late realizing how quickly time is passing.

Like, whoa.

He's going to be 

ONE YEAR OLD.

I just can't even expound upon that.

Just, whoa.

This month has been different, so so different than all the rest.

What's the biggest change you ask?

We're sleeping through the night!

IT TOOK ABOUT TEN MONTHS

but he did it.

They told me this day would come.

And I'll admit it, I was skeptical.

But it's here.

AND IT'S AWESOME.

Occasionally he demands some attention (milk) in the night but it's rare.

We have a fireball on our hands.

He is very observant, always watching.

But when he decides to do something, he does it with everything he has.

For example:

He's loved using his walker since he got it at Christmas, 

but now that he's gained confidence he tries to "walk" with everything.

Most recently, his high chair.

He gets behind it and pushes it all around with a big grin on his face.

Not walking solo yet. He's pretty scared to try.

We've been calling him "scaredy cat" lately.

If anything happens he's not expecting his eyes get big, 

eyebrows furrow and he lets out an exclamation like, "Oooh, Oooh!"

He's starting to show affection more.

Sometimes he'll cuddle with mommy and daddy now.

I've been waiting for this!

It may be teeth coming, but I am cherishing this time with him.

He's started to mellow down a bit.

Before, he would always fight tiredness at all cost.

Never give in to the urge to shut his eyes.

But now, he'll be playing and all the sudden just lay down for like 5 minutes for a rest.

Jonny even rocked him to sleep at church last Sunday for the first time since he was a newbie.

We're having food issues as of late.

Before he'd eat anything and everything in sight.

Like, he could put it down.

But he's not so interested these days and is wanting to nurse more often.

I don't want to force feed him if he's not hungry,

but the tantrums he throws are not okay.

It could be teeth coming (he still only has the 6).

As this is our first, Jonny and I are in uncharted territory everyday.

I need the reminder of God's lavish grace on me every hour 

to be able to parent Owen through the good times and the tough.

He's doing a new squishy face smile lately and we can't get enough of it.

Thankfully we caught it for his 11 month picture.

One more month until we are parents of a 1 year old.

How time flies.

the very best

I'm currently reading a little book that gives a glimpse into the lives of five "faithful" women. 

Today I began reading about Lilias Trotter. 

I haven't finished her story yet but I was struck by some of her words and wanted to share them.

A little about Lilias Trotter:

Lilias, born in England, lived from 1853-1928. 

She had an incredible talent for art, particularly painting. 

Her mother sent Lilias' work to John Ruskin, known to be "the voice of the art world"at the time. 

He took her in as a pupil and claimed that if she would devote herself to her artwork 

"she would be the greatest living painter and do things that would be immortal."

[via]

Here are her words:

"Never has it been so easy to live in half a dozen good harmless worlds at once --art,
music, social science, games, motoring, the following of some profession, and so on. 

And between them we run the risk of drifting about, the "good" hiding the "best.". . .

It is easy to find out whether our lives are focused, and if so, where the focus lies. 

Where do our thoughts settle when consciousness comes back in the morning? 

Where do they swing back when the pressure is off during the day? . . 

Dare to have it out with God . . . and ask Him to show you whether or not all is focused on Christ and His glory.

How do we bring things to a focus in the world of optics? 

Not by looking at the things to be dropped, but by looking at the one point that is to be brought out.

Turn your soul's vision to Jesus, and look and look at Him, and a strange dimness will come over all that is apart from Him."

. . .

Life always has and always will be full of "harmless worlds" to devote ourselves to. 

Be it books, fashion, fitness, music, movies, or "motoring". 

Our lives can be divided and dispersed between so very many interests. 

Or maybe not so many. 

Maybe we just have our one thing that we are intensely passionate about. 

It drives us, it gives us self worth or purpose. 

For Lilias, it could have been painting.

For me- 

In high school it could have been music.

In college it could have been finding a spouse.

Presently, it could be motherhood.

Music.

A spouse.

Motherhood.

Those are all certainly good things. 

But Lilias warns, don't be caught drifting among the "good" and miss the "best"!

How do you know if you're doing that?

Lilias gives this challenge;

What's your first thought in the morning?

What is it you can't wait to get to when your to-dos are checked off at the end of the day?

Be honest.

Is your aim Christ and his glory?

Are you preferring good things when you could have the Ultimate?

If your answer is "no", like mine in countless cases, what do you do?

I know I have the tendency to begrudgingly try to "let go" of these things.

But with that mentality my focus is still on that very thing, by trying to focus on it-less.

Which doesn't work by the way.

I had to read that last point she made again. 

Optics. She's talking about the eye! I imagined a camera and that helped.

"Not by looking at the things to be dropped, but by looking at the one point that is to be brought out."

Focus doesn't happen by erasing the background. 

It happens by illuminating the main thing.

The "best" thing.

The best thing is always Jesus.

"Turn your soul's vision to Jesus, and look and look at Him, and a strange dimness will come over all that is apart from Him."

Illuminate Jesus by taking time to look at him.

And then look at him some more.

The Bible gives us the ability to do that. 

We can meditate on the truths of Scripture that show us God's goodness, 

ultimately in His son Jesus, and He alone is worthy of our devotion.

 . . .

Lilias' last point almost read like a song didn't it?

That's because it is.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus was written in 1922 by Helen H. Lemmel,

inspired by those very words of Lilias Trotter.

Have a listen, just press play.

. . .

Lilias did not choose to devote herself to art as the renowned John Ruskin would have it.

She chose to devote her life to Jesus and making him famous in the world.

10 months & I quit.

Two weeks ago Owen turned ten months old.

That makes him ten and a half months old,

in case you weren't sure about how those things work.

Weeks and stuff...they can be tricky.

Well it's hit me like a ton of bricks that he's about to be one.

ein Jahr alt.

That's German for 'one year old'. 

Because we're learning German. 

Jonny & I.

He's learning it for a Ph. D. that is on the horizon and I'm learning it for fun.

And in hopes of traveling and putting it to use one day.

Annnnyways. 

Can you tell my husband has been gone all day and I'm a little loopy?

Spending all day with a crazy, adorably crazy, 10 month old will do that to you.

But he's in bed now.

And I'm sitting here with a slice of whole foods pizza and gonna just spew some words out, k?

Owen's appetite has grown tremendously over the last month and a half.

In early January we went on a trip to see family in Missouri, Arkansas and Texas.

It was then that I started to notice his increased appetite.

I'm sure it has to do with the fact that he's moving a lot more.

Practically running from furniture piece to furniture piece.

He cannot be contained!

He's not walking solo yet.

But could if he got over the nerves.

I feel it too.

He is heavy. Packing on the pounds.

He's fluctuated between 95th-75th percentile most of his life.

(With the exception of his birth and first month where he was considerably above normal)

Some of his favorite foods:

blueberries

peas

cauliflower

green beans

mac&cheese

yogurt

oranges

meat of any kind

toast with coconut oil and cinnamon

He likes bananas but I only give them in moderation (constipation is an issue).

This kid can have fun.

all-day-non-stop-who-needs-to-nap?-kind-of-fun.

My absolute favorite thing is to watch Jonny and Owen play.

They are such boys.

Owen even laughs after tooting now.

He looks at you and raises his eyebrows like, "Did you hear that?"

But yes, they rough house, like boys do.

Sometimes more than I'd like, 

but I have to remember to chill out a bit.

And if you've made it this far and are still reading you'll get to know what I'm quitting.

Or going to try to quit.

Today, for what feels like the first time, I let Owen make messes 

and instead of following his trail of messes and

picking them up,

I got down on the floor and played with him.

A lot.

And we had fun.

Now I'm not saying I will always resist the urge to tidy up behind him.

But I am saying I'm going to try and be more intentional to stop.

There's a time and a place for cleaning up.

I think realizing he's almost a year old is making me relish the time I have with him.

I want to remember the way his face crinkles up 

and eyes sparkle with delight at the newness of a toy he hasn't seen in the last five minutes.

I want to remember the funny noises he makes.

The way he purses his lips to say "words"

The way he stretches out his arms and rotates his hands when he gets excited.

Things change so quickly.

And I want to see them happen.

9 months

9 months

21 pounds

29.5 inches

75th percentile for height and weight

"He's by no means skinny!" said the doctor.

(as indicated by the rolls in this picture)

Owen breastfeeds 5 times per day.

7AM, 

after first nap (between 10 and 11AM), 

after second nap (around 3PM), 

before bed at 7PM 

and once in the night between 2-3AM

He is eating three meals and a few snacks during the day. 

He also tried to eat a bandaid yesterday...sneaky guy.

By now he is an expert cruiser.

He walks with the help of a push cart that his grandparents gave him for Christmas.

He sometimes will stand unassisted for several seconds at a time.

His naps are good when things are consistent.

When we had Jonny's family here for a week, 

he didn't do so well with naps- 

he reverted to his old cat-napping ways!

He probably won't do well next week when we take a trip to see family either.

He's currently been asleep for nearly 2 hours

and it's wonderful.

Good naps are a kindness from the Lord to mommies!

eight months

Back in November, Owen hit 8 months.

He is now a wiz at crawling, standing, "walking" with the support of furniture

and picking up any speck of dirt (errrr...food) left on my carpet.

(Which happens to be a lot, especially around the dinner table, 

especially around Owen's high chair.) 

I just got done picking up enough rice and broccoli to feed a second child.

Gross.

More mobility has called for some changes around the house. 

Two baby gates were installed.

Plug-in covers have been placed.

And those handy gadgets that keep drawers and cabinets closed, 

Ya! Those are going on shortly.

We are trying our hardest to be consistent with discipline when he

reaches for something he shouldn't touch,

but there are times we just aren't looking and we don't want baby boy 

getting hurt if it can be avoided.

Sleep.

A great night for Owen is a waking around 2 or 3AM, 

a quick feed, 

and back to sleep until 6:20AM.

A bad night? Well I'll spare you the details. But its no fun for anyone.

But it is easier to handle now that we've moved into a bedroom.

Gone are the days of couch sleeping (October-November)

and air-mattress sleeping (November-December), 

Jonny and I are sleeping on our bed, in a bedroom. 

And it feels like a dream.

And I'm sleeping hard enough to actually dream which is the first time since way 

before Owen was born and I was uncomfortably carrying all 11 pounds of him in-utero.

One of the last not bitterly cold days in November we took Owen to the park.

He was his usual stoic self for most of it.

But we eventually got him to smile.

At the end of the month we went on a little mini-vacay to Nashville, IN.

Mini-vacays are a whole lot different with a baby in tow.

But we enjoyed ourselves.

All except when Santa got near. Owen doesn't like Santa we found out.

And when we came back home we got some snow.

It was one of the sweetest things ever to see Owen watching the snow fall with amazement.

seven months and some fun stuff

Owen is nearly 7.5 months old.

He has changed so much in the past month.
He loves to have fun with mommy and daddy.

It's hard to believe he is now closer to a year old than birth.

He has been eating a lot of 

green beans, 

brocolli, 

cantelope, 

blueberries, 

prunes, 

sweet potatoes, 

he loves to chew on slices of bell peppers.

I gave him greek yogurt the other day and he wasn't thrilled.

I think I'll try some plain yogurt soon.

He has also almost gotten the hang of a sippy cup.

The biggest change this month is his sleeping.

We sort of went to drastic measures to intervene on his

pretty terrible night sleeping habits.

Cry it out.

(I know everyone has an opinion on this but we had pretty much exhausted all other methods)

I was so scared to try it.

But honestly I think I have shed more tears than Owen.

The first night (about two weeks ago) was the worst, 

and it was nowhere near as bad as we thought it was going to be.

He has just realized, night time is for sleeping.
Yes it's hard to hear your baby cry but ultimately, it is for his good.
He needs to sleep. And he is learning sleep is good!

Since then, Jonny and I have been sleeping on the couches.
No, not ideal-but hey,

it's dramatically changed the amount of sleep I've been able to get.

And it's incredible.

Before, a really GREAT night of sleep for me would have been 4-5 broken hours.

Jonny and I are trying to go to bed by 10, 

Owen lays down at 7PM
 is waking for one feeding (around 2-3AM)

and sleeping until around 7AM.

I 

AM

A 

NEW

WOMAN.

A woman who is about to turn 25.

What the heck?

I can remember thinking

how incredibly old I will be when I turn 25.

Like, old.

Yet, here I am. 

Maybe I am old?

But I don't feel I have the wisdom that comes with "old" age.

Though, I did get carded the other night on our date and the waitress said I looked 17.

I took it as a compliment.

Anyways...

Owen has been flashing his toothy grin all the time lately.

It's adorable.

(I know, I'm biased being his mom and all but seriously, I get like heart flutters when I see it)

A couple weeks ago we took some family pictures with a friend of ours.

Here are some,

Check out our post and all of her photography
over here.
We love all the pictures,
mostly Owen's fun faces
but my favorites I've saved for our Christmas cards
so be looking for that in your mailbox next month!
Yes, I've already ordered them.

Yes, Jonny and I just started reading this book,
The Saint Who Would be Santa Clause:
The True Life and Trials of Nicholas of Myra

Yes, we're contemplating putting the tree up next weekend.

Yes, Christmas music is playing as I type.

Oh, well.

I remembered that this weekend, last year, 

Jonny and I took a little trip.

(via)

We had just found out we were having a boy.
Read about that here.
And took a relaxing weekend in the Great Smokey Mountains
to celebrate the news (and my 24th birthday).
there's a post about it here.
It was so much fun to go exploring with Jonny.
Both on the way there and on the way back we
thought about what to name our son.
We could at least agree on some boy names we liked,
not so for girl names
Finally, nearing the end of our journey home we settled on
Owen Alan Atkinson.

And now I'm watching that baby boy try to crawl.
It is crazy the changes a year brings.
We are very very fond of the changes.